CHANGE

***Ok... So, this is a post that I have been working on for a while and I want to put a warning out there to anyone reading... I feel this is pretty "deep" and it's not the happy-go-lucky post I usually write...  So, if you are looking for a fun-filled Hansen Family Homepage post, just give me a day or two and our fun family times will be right back at ya!***

As time closes in on Jameson's first birthday (I still can't believe it's been a year) I have been thinking... A LOT...  and trying to do some reflecting on the last 12 months and everything that has gone on in such a short period of time.

CHANGE...  The definition of our life over the last year.  I sit and reflect on the word CHANGE and can finally say... It is OK!  CHANGE really can be a good thing... You may not realize or even believe it at first or for a long period of time, but it will all be OK in the end.  That statement has taken me quit sometime to figure out (haha maybe a... YEAR!)

11:59pm Sunday, July 24, 2011 - Did I really just wet the bed in my sleep... Man, I am three days away from being 40 week pregnant, can't sleep, HOT, HUGE, everything on my body is either so swollen its the size of a house or so sore it's to the point I don't even know if it's attached to my body anymore...  Seriously, what has my life come to?!?!  And, the man of my dreams is literally snoring away in dream-land to my left and I am laying here, wet and in misery...  WAIT!  Pee... NO... OH MY GOSH!  MY WATER JUST BROKE!  Thank heavens I didn't wet my pants, but READY, SET, GO!  IT'S BABY TIME!

Oh yes, that was only the beginning of what was to come.  After 17 hours of labor (5 1/2 of them pushing) we had a beautiful 9lb 6oz baby boy!  In an ambulance... on his way to the Children's hospital NICU (without mommy and daddy) in St. Paul and a mommy and daddy sitting with WIDE eyes trying to figure out what just happened, but still in Woodbury...  Yes, baby is on his way to St. Paul and WE WERE IN WOODBURY!  That does not make sense...

Anyways, I am not trying to go on with a sob story, but to continue with the meaning of this post... CHANGE!  I knew my life would change July 25th, but I surely did not think it would start like that.  Well, let me quickly say that J is just fine...  He spent the first week of life in the NICU, but all is well!  He is a happy, healthily (almost) 26lb boy!

Again, CHANGE...  Ready or not, mommy hood was in full force!  That first week may have taken this mommy and daddy by surprise, but looking back now, it was just a small piece of what was to come and what we had to get use to.  I thought, Ok, I handled a pretty stressful birth, I can handle anything with a newborn.  No problem... right?  Well, just five short weeks later, Jameson may have been the center of our world, but the world around the three of us was in an up-roar!  Movers in and out of the house, our first family house in a disarray, the nursery that I spent MONTHS planning and decorating in boxes and everything was about to change... AGAIN...  Yes, let's just toss a move to South Dakota on top of just having a baby...  No problem... Right?  Thank heavens our house sold in 4 short days, but I do believe that was something I was actually praying would not happen.  Truthfully, I was not ready to give up Woodbury and I didn't realize how hard it would be until we were almost 5 hours away... In a rental... In a new home... With a newborn...  No one around us we knew...  Wow!

CHANGE... I was planning on going back to work after my 12 weeks of maternity leave...  NOPE... Toss in stay-at-home mom duties and there I was.  Don't get me wrong, I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to be home with J, but that was not how I pictured my life.  I wanted to work... I wanted to have a career... But (yes here it is again) CHANGE was what I had to adapt to.  Again, I wouldn't change it for the world, and let me say, being in a brand new area not knowing anyone, there was no way I would have felt comfortable dropping Jameson off at a daycare center or home...

Call me weird, but one of the hardest parts of this last year was leaving our team of doctors/nurses in Woodbury.  I absolutely LOVE Dr. Sheehy and her team.  They got me... they got Luke... They got US!  She was there for it all.  She was the first doctor I actually trusted and she knew it from the beginning.  I met doctor Sheehy shortly after Luke left for Afghanistan and she immediately connected with me and figured me out.  There was no way I was going to let anyone else deliver our children, take care of me... take care of my family other than Dr. Sheehy...  CHANGE...  We are now almost 5 hours away and let me tell you, this has been one of the hardest things to let go.  We did our "milestone" follow ups through out the year back in MN, but it has taken me almost 11.5 month to find a doctor here for Jameson.  

Ok, Ok... I know you are wanting a point to this post and you want me to wrap this up...
Personally, it has been a very rough road.  I think admitting that has been such a struggle in my life because I know what I have is very special and I am very fortunate for what I got.  I have had SO many people tell me I should not complain because I am home with my son... I should not complain because my husband is doing what he loves... I should not complain because we decided to have a child right after Luke returned home from Afghanistan and we really didn't know what the future held for us.  And I took every ones word for it... When I would complain I felt guilty.  I felt bad for not being happy for what I had.  And truthfully I started getting angry because I wasn't happy and couldn't figure out why.

So... here is the real point.  CHANGE has and will always be hard for me.  I get comfortable in something and I am content.  I like the way things are when life is in a routine.  CHANGING it up throws me for a loop and I tend to struggle.  Taking the time over the last month to reflect on the year (this was with Luke and I) has taught me so many things about myself and my relationship.  I am sharing this not to get people worried, mad, or think I want attention, but to understand that things a) don't happen as they are planned and b) admitting to the fact that you are not happy is OK!  I truly could not figure out why I was so sad, so mad... everything... when I had the world right in front of me.  All the CHANGE over the year really took a toll on me... on who I was as a person and a mom, and I couldn't admit that I wasn't happy with me.  I thought admitting to postpartum depression would make me a bad mom... Would make others think badly of me... but really, I feel SO much better now that I am figuring all this out because I was feeling bad that I wasn't enjoying my time at home.  (don't get me wrong, my boys are the light of my life, but deep down, I - personally- was struggling).  I feel like all my friends/family would judge me for not being happy or excited about what was going on in my life.  I was more worried about what others thought rather than dealing with the facts and the struggles with me.

Anyways, so there you have it.  CHANGE is dealt with in so many ways by everyone.  There are good CHANGES and bad CHANGES... CHANGES that are unexpected and CHANGES that are planned.  I want everyone to know that we are just fine on this end and by writing this, I just want all new moms to know that it is OK to struggle, to work through hard times and it is 110% OK to not always be a HAPPY MOM!  You are not a bad mom for thinking like that... You are not giving up on your child... your husband or significant other... You just need time to get through the hormonal change (WOW those things are crazy nuts!) and figure out what makes you happy!

I have the most amazing husband and son in the world, I want to be the best wife and mother to both of them.  Although I struggle with change, and everything going on in this crazy game called life, I feel so blessed to be where I am today and to have the love and support from my boys.